After remembering all the details of the rape, I wrote down the whole experience. Journaling has always helped me just to get thoughts out of my head. At my next appointment with Sarah, we talked about it. I felt a sense of clarity, of closure.
Now, that doesn’t mean all of my problems immediately went away. Remember the dissociating, thinking I was 7 years old? That is still around (that started around the same time as daymares), but it doesn’t happen as often. And my legs not working, a rare occasion (that usually only happens when I’m triggered by something).
Around November of 2024, I had heard a message about healing. I prayed that God would heal my depression, and I had faith that He had. So, with my psychiatrist’s permission, I weaned off of my depression medication. And I haven’t had signs of depression since! I’ve had fleeting thoughts, but nothing that sticks like it used to.
Since I had increased stress at the mental health hospital and increased hallucinations, we upped my hallucination meds. But I feel like I am in a good place mentally and emotionally. I know that I now have the tools to emotionally regulate, it’s just remembering them and using them, even when I’m not in emotional need or distress.
The shame around everything is gone. I feel guilt around the things I have done wrong in my life, but not shame. Shame defines who you are, whereas guilt tells what you have done. But there is forgiveness. God sent Jesus to die on the cross, so that our sins (things we think, say, or do that displease God, or our wrongdoings) could be forgiven. I believe that with my whole heart, and that is why I no longer feel shame about many things that I felt shame about before. I believe that I have been forgiven, which is freeing and allows me to move forward in life instead of being stuck on the same things.
At one point in our marriage (sometime in the second half of 2024), I told John about the things Elisabeth and I had done that I was still ashamed about. Telling him helped me forgive myself, which is also freeing.
On the adoption process front, we are hopefully getting that rolling again as soon as the letter from my psychiatrist gets to the adoption agency. I am so excited (and growing impatient) for another child.
This post is titled “Adoption” because I have adopted a lot of things since starting to meet with Sarah in March 2024. I’ve adopted coping skills and mechanisms, I’ve adopted ways of thinking that used to not be my norm. I have also adopted ideas that have helped in my healing process. And, John and I are trying to adopt a second child. This is also titled “Adoption” because once I realized what it really meant to be adopted by God, my perspective on a lot of things slowly began to change for the better. This realization has happened at various points in my life, but the most recent time I realized what it meant to be adopted by God, I was able to forgive myself for a lot of things, reset my eyes on things that mattered, and I believe I was able to forgive who it was that raped me when I was 7.
I have started praying more recently, and I am seeing already how it is making a difference in my attitude and in my actions. I am also keeping my focus on more eternal things than on things that won’t last or won’t bring lasting joy. I am praying for my family, and noticing how it is changing John, too. His focus has also become more on the things that will last forever, instead of fleeting things. This has helped us prioritize our lives correctly, and has brought us more joy.
Leave a Reply