Around March of 2024, I decided to do something about my fear of the hallucinations and the trauma I had experienced as a child. I knew I was raped, but I never fully dealt with all the emotions that came along with that. I felt dirty, I felt ashamed, I felt like somehow it was my fault. To this day, I don’t remember who it was. But I do remember some of the physical feelings, the things that I saw, and the smell. It’s all in bits and pieces, but I didn’t want that to stop me from healing. So, I contacted my counselor, who gave me the contact information of one of her trauma therapist friends (let’s call this trauma therapist Sarah).
I had the first several meetings with Sarah, and I liked her, but I didn’t feel we were making much progress. She did tell me things would be slow, and that we had to establish safety first. However, I felt that this was taking it too slow. But Sarah knew I was frustrated and reminded me that this was normal. We continued meeting, developing coping mechanisms and strategies, making a safe space, and eventually tried some new techniques to help me process things.
Eventually, I had made a timeline of my life with both positive and negative items on it. Throughout our time, I had great days and terrible days. I had experienced extremely joyful and grateful days (for example, so excited and fulfilled at my job), and I had experienced the lowest of low days (contemplating suicide by various methods or running away to another state). Sarah remained constant through this process, and has helped me grow tremendously.
Recently, I have actually decided to switch jobs to a mental health nursing position. I still love my current job, but I think the Lord is calling me into this position. Another reason to move jobs is to save my back (my current job requires regular lifting of around 60 pounds), and to help challenge and grow me. I am currently paired with one patient as a home health nurse, and would love to expand my knowledge and skills.
At one of my latest appointments with Sarah, before I told her about me wanting to switch jobs, she actually expressed the her thoughts that I may have autism. We took some quizzes online and everything said I probably have autism, but this is obviously not an official diagnosis. I think I feel happy about this possibility, knowing that there are specific strengths and weaknesses that I have that are different from the neurotypical person. I also feel happy about it because it helps me learn about myself. As I have researched things regarding autism, I have realized why I do some of the things I do or think certain ways in social situations.
I am overall enjoying life, although some days are more difficult than others. George is one and a half years old now, and he has a smile that can light up a whole room. My husband is as supportive and caring as ever, and I think he has been an integral part of my continued healing as well.
That’s the end of this post. But if you would like to read more, just click on the blog posts tab!